10 mistakes the couple’s parents make when planning the wedding

There’s the wedding, and then there are the months, if not years, of planning and events leading up to it. As parents of the bride and groom, your support during this phase, no matter how long, is paramount, and that’s true whether it’s attending showers and fittings, giving advice, or contributing financially. By now, you’ve been involved in every major milestone in your child’s life, from his first words to his graduation, so it’s natural to want to help him do it right in the crucial months leading up to one of the most important days of his life. life. adult life.

However, in the midst of all the joy, excitement and nervousness, even the best-intentioned parents can make etiquette mistakes that hinder the process. Below, etiquette experts Jacqueline Whitmore and Elaine Swann and event planner Dani Blasena reveal 10 common mistakes parents make during the wedding planning process and offer expert advice and tips on how to remedy them if they slip up. fake.

Oversharing on social media

It may seem obvious not to share crucial wedding details before the big day, but it’s surprisingly easy to make this mistake, especially on social media. “I’ve seen parents share on Facebook, ‘This is the dress, my daughter found her dream dress,’” Swann says (in fact, one bride-to-be recently went viral on TikTok after realizing her mom made exactly that). While it’s understandable to get emotional, it’s important to view the experience through the lens of the bride and groom above all else. Swann says parents should ask themselves, “Is this a memory for me or my child?” If in doubt, assume that sharing details on social media is prohibited or simply ask before posting. Remember that once the big day is behind you, you can share it however you want.

Guests too invited

“It’s natural for parents on both sides to want to include friends and family in the celebrations, especially if they contribute generously to the cost of the wedding,” says Blasena. Swann adds: “It’s also a milestone in the parents’ lives, and they may want to invite people who have watched the bride and groom grow up.” However, including additional guests increases the total number of attendees (not to mention the total cost of the wedding), which may not be possible. Additionally, the couple has the final say on the guest list for the big day.

To prevent problems before they arise, Blasena recommends taking the maximum number of attendees a venue can comfortably accommodate and reducing it by 10 percent. “Of that total number, parents can be assigned 20 to 30 percent of the guest list, and the rest are couple guests,” she says. That way, parents receive a generous number of invitations with which they can decide what to do; When they run out, that’s it.

Increased emotional overload

It goes without saying that planning a wedding can be stressful or trigger intense emotions, and not just for the duo getting married. “Parents may project their own anxieties or unresolved issues onto the couple, causing unnecessary stress,” Whitmore says. This includes calling more frequently, worrying about certain details, or even imposing feelings about other family members on the soon-to-be married couple.

Whitmore encourages couples to set boundaries early on; Therefore, parents, be prepared to listen to them and respect them. “Communicating this clearly to parents is crucial to setting expectations,” he says.

Neglecting the family traditions of your child’s partner

It’s common for parents to focus on their own wishes or family traditions that mean a lot to them personally before the wedding, but if you’re blinded to your own family’s rites and rituals, it’s easier to forget that there’s another stuff. group of people who should also be considered in the plans: your child’s future in-laws and their extended clan. “Sometimes parents may not consider the needs and traditions of the other couple’s family, which can create tension,” Whitmore says. She remembers that there are usually two sets of parents (if not more) at a wedding, and it is important that everyone feels recognized and considered.

Insist on certain details

“There is a lot of pressure around weddings and family members often share their opinions on what should or shouldn’t be done or included on the big day,” says Blasena. It’s easy for couples to get caught up in trying to please everyone and compromise on what they really want. Ultimately, it might mean a lot to you to see your daughter or future daughter-in-law in your lace veil, but Blasena suggests recognizing that you could include it in a different way, one that feels more genuine to her, like by wrapping it around her bouquet. At the end of the day, the wedding is about your child and her partner, and the details of the wedding should reflect your personal tastes and traditions.

Lack of communication

While some parents love to give opinions, others are not frank enough. “Sometimes they don’t ask questions or make inquiries. They take a backseat, but they do so reluctantly, and that can lead to a breakup later,” says Swann. Parents may feel frustrated because couples don’t ask about their wishes or don’t let them do more, whether it’s including certain traditions or guests. To avoid post-wedding resentment, Swann says the best thing parents can do is talk. “By opening lines of communication now, you encourage openness and the opportunity to give your opinion,” she says.

To take money out

Parents are often the largest financial contributors to their child’s wedding, but it can be complicated when one group of parents pays disproportionately more and feels entitled to make more decisions, Blasena says. “Just because a party pays more doesn’t mean it has veto control over all ideas,” she explains. There’s certainly nothing wrong with helping with wedding costs, but that doesn’t mean the day belongs to anyone but the couple. “To make everyone feel involved and valued, let couples create a working budget and ask how much each family is willing to participate,” Blasena says.

Being late to wedding-related events

There are a lot of moving parts before the wedding, and timing is crucial for everything to go smoothly, says Blasena: “When family members are late for their hair and makeup appointment or late for church, These can have consequences for the proper development of the wedding day.” While being late on the wedding day may seem like the most egregious mistake, your child will likely find it just as stressful if you are not punctual during the run-up, whether for a wedding dress fitting or tasting appointment. . , or bachelorette party.

Blasena advises that the best way to combat lateness is with a well-organized agenda. And, if you’re prone to being late, give yourself an extra 15 to 30 minutes of wiggle room to account for things like traffic or even wardrobe malfunctions. The wedding day, rehearsals, and bridal showers are very important to brides and grooms, and you want to be a stress reliever, not the cause.

Share embarrassing stories or details with other family members

There are plenty of opportunities to celebrate the fact that your child has officially grown up during the wedding planning process, but that also leaves plenty of room to accidentally share or divulge embarrassing stories from their youth. In their excitement (or after too many drinks), parents may simply reveal things they shouldn’t, no matter how cute or funny they seem to them, Swann says. She says the best thing couples can do is talk to parents beforehand if they suspect this could become a problem. Parents, if your child comes to you with these concerns, don’t get defensive: listen to them, talk about stories you’d love to share during key moments (like during a bridal shower speech, for example), and then stick with Him. plan.

Drinking too much during pre-wedding events

The wedding planning journey is a particularly festive one, and because of this, alcohol is often a part of every touchpoint of the process. However, as the father of the bride or groom, it’s important to drink responsibly and appropriately at every pre-wedding party (and, of course, on the big day). “Inappropriate drunkenness happens even with the best of intentions,” says Blasena. If you plan to have a few drinks at an engagement party or bridal shower (or during a nice dinner with her son’s future in-laws), be sure to eat and watch your alcohol consumption. “If you tend to party hard, plan ahead,” Blasena adds, so you can enjoy her son’s wedding trip “without any memorable mistakes.”