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KILLED: Wiremu
Wiremu was a reliable guy who had the support of many, which made him a massive target to be completely attacked. To add insult to injury, he also had to brutally choose his eight MySpace favorites to attend his own funeral, and then deliver his own cryptic invitation on a VHS cassette. At least he wasn’t there to see the most mangled version of Ave Maria ever committed to the big screen.
BANISHED: Jackie
Jackie knew she needed to stay low-key this week, so she hid under a very small branch to avoid attracting attention. “They see you as a venerable old lady,” her friend said. Dungeons and Dragons “I’m just an old whore from Papakura,” Jackie replied from deep within the nearby bushes, completely camouflaged in a camouflage suit.
Unfortunately, the faithful became aware of her treacherous ways and she announced to the group: “I didn’t come here to fuck spiders, but I did come here to be a traitor.”
Banished: Andrew
It’s like the old saying goes: if you can’t handle Jackie and her old Papakura whore, you don’t deserve her and her venerable elder. Andrew had accepted the 70-year-old horoscope writer as his in-game “guardian angel,” but his plan began to unravel in episode four. Chosen by the traitors to spend the day digging a grave with Brianna and Noel, one of whom would later claim said grave, Andrew spent the day focused on targeting Noel.
At the round table, he immediately threw out Noel’s name and told the group that they were to banish one of the three gravediggers.
“I’m willing to double my chances because I feel very strongly about the evidence I’m about to present,” Andrew opined. Unfortunately, even with a clairvoyant on his side, Andrew (and no one else, really) was prepared for Hurricane Brianna, which threw the roundtable into chaos and quickly banished him, somehow.
“I was digging my own grave in more ways than one,” Andrew said.
MAYBE MURDERED: Zsazsa the dog
Paul Henry talked a lot about taking his Chinese Crested Zsazsa for a quick 10km walk around the property, but we haven’t actually seen her since she ate that piece of croissant in the first episode. All I’m saying is that the man has gone nuts this season and they had to get those animal guts from somewhere. Sha-naaa for Zsazsa, really.
19) Brianna (faithful)
Spiritually, Brianna is my number one. As far as survival goes, she seems to be six feet under. Last week she relayed some information to the group, despite not being able to remember exactly what the information was or who had said it. This week she took Donna’s gentle suggestion at breakfast that she could “get some heat” and turned it into Donna shaving her head like Furiosa., raising a chainsaw over his head and yelling “WATCH YOUR BACK!”
From that blatant moment of editorializing, to asking her “how do you talk without crying?” to voting for Jackie while still waiting for her to knit her a cardigan (“No,” Jackie said), Brianna appears to be having a metaphorical green moment in the mansion. But there was no greener moment than when she turned the tables on Andrew and then frantically shouted her motivations from the rooftops: “I WANT TO WIN BECAUSE I HAVE A WEDDING TO PLAN!”
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18) Utah (faithful)
It hasn’t been a very good week for Utah, and while I’m well aware that I’ve spent the previous two paragraphs making fun of Brianna, I admit that I got defensive when she accused her of being “too emotional.” Um, Utah… DOES HE HAVE A WEDDING TO PLAN?!?!?!
17) Noel (faithful)
He almost fell asleep during Wiremu’s funeral, but that wasn’t the only disrespect Noel showed towards the sacred game this week. “I didn’t really come here to win, I came to have fun,” the 22-year-old writer smiled. “Get on your bike, mate, we’ve had old tarts come all the way from Papakura for this.”
16) Molly (faithful)
I’d never seen a VHS tape before, so it’s banished from the rankings for making everyone over 30 feel positively mummified.
15) Trevor the pianist (not sure)
A mysterious guy playing the keys on a fedora and we’re supposed to assume he’s totally innocent of all this? Take the other option.
14) Jason (faithful)
He was the only person who decided to kick Mark out of the blue. He was completely wrong, of course, but you have to respect his faith in himself.
13) Cat (faithful)
“When I said I wanted more protein, that’s not what I meant,” said Cat, who soon enjoyed what she thought was a “sheep colon.” Luckily, she has nine lives.
12) Ben (faithful)
“It was bean-shaped, so I thought it was a kidney,” Ben said, proudly handing in his Mensa application.
11) Mark (faithful)
Her biggest move of the week was creating the Dungeons and Dragons alliance, but Jackie made a critical failure. I hope to have her character sheet ready by next week.
10) Donna (faithful)
Keep an eye on this woman. For now, she’s playing a quieter game, but she’s also recording everyone’s mistakes along the way.
9) Bailey (faithful)
She was labeled the quietest of the bunch, but I think we should all focus on this low-key camerawoman. Quiet, yes, but she’s the only one who stood her ground in banishing Jane for being a traitor (which she is) and the only person brave enough to gently stand up to Brianna’s disconcerting behavior. “You’re saying things that confuse everyone,” she told Brianna, “is there something in this banishing room that scares you?!”…
8) Stephen (faithful)
I’m obsessed with Stephen, who did absolutely nothing all week except enjoy a generous glass of Southern red wine and then delivered this bizarre soliloquy at the round table: “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire, and where there’s a bell that rings loud, there’s Andrew.” And if you have anything to say about that, you can talk to his “fuck you, I’m retired” hat again.
7) Jane (traitor)
A much quieter week for Jane, perhaps because she was so worked up from eating sheep guts that she couldn’t even hold her sign up straight.
6) Joe (faithful)
Best dressed by far, for the second week in a row.
5) Siale (faithful)
I loved Siale’s grumpy teacher role during tonight’s panel discussion. “Two of you seem to be really scared and one of you doesn’t,” he said sternly. When Noel started defending himself again after Andrew’s surprise banishment, Siale’s “sad dad face” intensified to the max. “You’ve talked a lot today, man, seriously.” Get right to the naughty step.
4) Brittany (faithful)
While Whitney did everything she could to raise suspicions around Brittany, the content creator won over the faithful with a trick as old as TTraitors of New Zealand season 1: swearing on her children’s lives. “I’m an anxious person,” she said, tearing up after being accused of being a traitor, “I wouldn’t feel good in my heart.” This morning, I received a sponsored ad from Watties featuring Brittany preparing an easy WOK-style meal for her family. Coincidence?
3) Whitney (traitor)
Another crazy week for the Tauranga funeral director. She wore the most spectacular outfit to Wiremu’s funeral and then revealed that she also has a degree in performing arts, which made the whole process of lying to people’s faces “too easy”.
I do worry, though, that this may be a case of too much, too soon for Whitney. She aroused suspicion by failing to correctly identify a cow’s lung (because apparently funeral directors blindly fondle animal organs all day long) and then turned her attention to poor Stephen, who’s just there to enjoy wine and be retired.
2) Mike (traitor)
I’m in love with Mike’s endless homage to Cillian Murphy on a press tour. Has anyone ever looked more boring than this guy? Looks like next week we’ll see Mike unleash his power and betray another traitor. Hopefully he’ll even be able to smile while doing it.
1) Filibuster priest (faithful)
Number one with a bullet is the priest at Wiremu’s funeral, who was forced to obstruct the proceedings as the contestants took their time completing the mission. “God will forgive even those who have fallen asleep,” he joked as Noel tried not to fall asleep. “They’ve all lost their singing voices,” he joked as the group became emotional during Ave Maria. Move Flea bag Hot Priest, there’s a new divine daddy in town.
Click here to watch The Traitors NZ on ThreeNow
