Dear Amy: Several years ago I was involved in projects with a friend (I’m a man).
From time to time he would make jokes and say things that, in retrospect, I realize were inappropriate. She finally cleared it up for me.
Then COVID and the MeToo movement hit, and I had time to review a number of things that I felt at the time were innocent comments or actions, but were actually wrong.
We’ve since become friends again, but every once in a while I think I’d like to apologize for every time I made her feel uncomfortable.
I know there are other men who have felt even guiltier than me, but they have never apologized. I really need?
Would my apology now, years later, only be for my benefit, or would it be a kind gesture toward a good friend?
– Conflict
Dear Conflict: Other people who do worse things than you should not enter your equation. You can’t justify your own choices by finding negative examples to compare yourself to.
There is no harm in apologizing to your friend for mistakes, “jokes,” or comments you made years ago. She caught your eye at the time and your friendship took a hit, but she seems to have recovered.
Maya Angelou said it best: “Do the best you can until you know what is best. Then when you know better, do better.”
An apology would definitely benefit you, and offering forgiveness (if necessary) would benefit her as well.
You say that your friend “set you straight” at that moment and that your friendship suffered.
Starting a conversation and offering your current perspective and understanding, along with an apology, will help you both come full circle and move forward with greater understanding and intimacy.
Dear readers: The following questions and answers were first published in 2020.
Dear Amy: My family and I came to the United States from the Soviet Union when I was a teenager. We become citizens. I was educated here and own a successful business. I write well and speak correctly, almost without an accent. I feel like I’m an American.
I love America and I try to learn new things every day, but I feel like something is missing.
Since I spent my formative years in a communist country (really like another planet, compared to the United States), my “autopilot” reactions are not like those of typical American-born people. For example, my mannerisms, topics of conversation, humor, clothing, attitude toward money, and even my body language may seem “strange.”
I feel like it hurts me to be “culturally different.” I don’t think he says or does anything directly offensive; It’s more of a lot of little things.
How can I solve this “disadvantage”?
I would love to know how to be more American, but I can’t find books or courses on the subject.
— NOT born in the US
Dear NO: As we approach celebrating another Independence Day, I appreciate this unusual and provocative question that, honestly, has no “right” answer.
First of all, I urge you not to see your own cultural background and habits as a “disadvantage,” but as an advantage.
Yes, the United States is a country. But America is also really a series of concepts, experiments, and experiences. It’s not just one thing.
But here’s a beautiful “American” ideal (very different from the culture you grew up in): All Americans have the right to be exclusively themselves, and that definitely includes you.
However, reinvention is built into the American experience, so if you want to modify “American” mannerisms, I suggest you become a student of American culture. Take a history course at your local community college. Follow up with a class on film and popular culture. Read Mark Twain, Edith Wharton, Sherman Alexie, Gary Shteyngart, and Jericho Brown. Listen to Dolly Parton. Watch “Singing in the Rain,” “Goodfellas,” “Barbershop,” “13 th,” and “Ramy.”
Become a volunteer firefighter. Teach English as a second language to other new citizens (teaching American concepts to others will show you how much you really know). Work at your local polling station during the upcoming elections.
When you say or do something that you think is “wrong,” ask a friend to explain it to you. Maybe they will decide to tell you what I am trying to tell you now: that your efforts make you the most “American” person they know.
Dear readers: A. Eric Thomas is starting a new advice column. He can help Eric get started by sending his questions to [email protected].
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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