Wooden blocks with concept text “CANCEL”.
Most people have good intentions and want to be better allies, but they are also human beings who make mistakes. Hopeful allies are bound to make mistakes along the way to becoming allies. By definition, being an ally involves taking risks on someone else’s behalf. These risks can lead to a conflict between intention and impact, where actions may have seemed helpful to the ally, but not to the intended recipient.
In the current climate of cancel culture, fear of saying or doing the wrong thing as an ally often prevents people from engaging in allyship. Rather than avoiding the work out of fear, potential allies can avoid three key obstacles:
- making it about you
- Speaking versus listening
- Assuming answers
making it about you
Allies put their egos aside and look out for others. True allies rarely proclaim themselves allies; they realize that alliance is recognized in the eye of the beholder. Centuries of inequality will not be resolved by quick, short-term actions. Alliance is a long-term game; it requires patience and altruism.
To avoid being targeted as an ally, first think about what support looks like to the other person. It’s not so much about the golden rule of treating someone how you want to be treated, but rather the platinum rule of treating someone how you want to be treated. they I want to be treated. When in doubt, ask, “What is support like for you?” and be curious to learn from the audience before jumping in with your own solutions.
Speaking versus listening
Allies listen more than they talk. They ask curious questions to which they don’t know the answers and listen to challenge their existing assumptions. A true test of partnership is having what bridge expert Mónica Guzmán calls “she’s never thought of it that way” moments. These are little epiphanies that allies often have in conversations with people different from them.
A useful approach to ensure active listening as an ally is to reflect on the conversations you have. What percentage of the time do you listen compared to the time you talk? In a genuine ally relationship, listening should be closer to 60%, while the rest of the time should include asking questions with minimal statements.
Assuming answers
Allies know that they are not the ones who know how to solve complex systemic problems. Lacking the lived experience and often the full context of the problem, allies realize that they must first learn before they can help fully solve it. Instead of launching into solutions, allies pause and gather information first. They seek out trusted resources and ask trusted friends and colleagues before making recommendations.
At a recent allyship program I facilitated, one of the program’s well-meaning male allies introduced himself to a group of female leaders he didn’t know, proclaimed himself an ally, and asked how he could support them. While he had meant well, the group of women looked at him with wide eyes and he managed an awkward giggle before stammering out a “thank you” in response. He didn’t understand what he had done wrong. If he had been curious to learn more about them before claiming to be an ally, that offer might have worked better.
To avoid cancellation, allies must apologize, understand that impact is more important than intent, and take full responsibility for their actions. The alliance is an adventure full of stumbles and stumbles. It requires taking personal risks and courage. The reward is a more inclusive place for all human beings to thrive and do their best.
